On Mormon holiday: An exclusive visit to Kolob, the holiest resort destination in the galaxy

With the election season finally behind us — and Mitt Romney thankfully defeated — we can’t help but find ourselves left with a certain white, multimillion-dollar, Mormon-shaped hole in our lives. Looking back with fondness at all the gaffs, the absurdities, and the warmly nihilistic compulsion for straight faced lying, there’s quite a lot to reflect on with the Romney campaign.

Mormonism, a little-known offshoot of Zoroastrianism, has become, perhaps, the only major religion that can be called truly American. So, with a newfound fascination unencumbered by political dread, we embark on a journey to the Mormon homeworld to learn more. To get there, we sat down with Dr. Ammon Allred, a professor of philosophy who also happens to have grown up Mormon, and ask him to tell us what he knows about Kolob, a gated resort community tucked away in the night sky where, rumor has it, god built his gilded estate.

Dr. Ammon Allred:

So far as I know, the only way to get to Kolob if you don’t have a temple recommend (ask a Mormon friend) is to go to Tulum, on the Yucatecan coast.  It was here, after all, that Cortez (I think it was) first alit in North America, and declared: “This is the place.”  What you do is you ascend the Temple of The Descending God, tap on the back wall and ask for Lamoni.

Important:  This only works on April 6.

Anyway, if you do this right what will happen is that you’ll see the light shift as though there’s a heat wave.  It looks a lot like a scene from Zelda to be honest.  (This is actually where they got the idea for Zelda).  And before you know it, you will have hied to Kolob.

Actually, you won’t be in Kolob because Kolob is a star, dumbass.  You’ll be on Planet Kolob-6, as we affectionately call it.  (It’s official name is also Kolob 6 but without the affectionate inflection).  For my people it’s a home away from home.

My actual home was Utah, and I was always surprised that folks would travel there from all around the world.  “I mean, it’s a nice enough place,” I’d tell anyone who told me they wanted to visit, “but watch out for the people.” Kolob, though: that’s another story.

Here are some misconceptions that people have about Kolob 6:

1)  There are no Thetans on Kolob-6.  Thetans are not real.  Duh.

2) You are expected to bring your own sunscreen when visiting Kolob-6.

3)  Kolob 6 is not the dwelling place of God.  It’s more like His vacation home.

In fact, last time I was there, you could hardly see His mansion, because Mittens had just bought some primo real estate right next to God’s — right on the sapphire encrusted beach (whose cliffs sparkle like Marie Osmond’s eyes).  Anyway, wouldn’t you know it, he starts complaining about the size of the mansion allotted to him and before you know it there’s such a ruckus from all the work he’s getting done, it’s all you can do to hear your own harp playing.

I never did learn for sure, but rumor is that God couldn’t handle the noise and hied himself to some other nameless star so he could get some peace and quiet.  Mitt’s youngest son, Trink, then moved into God’s old place and turned it into Kolob-6’s most exclusive club for Bronies.  (Even though Bronies are actually native to Kolob-2).

One night, after I’d done too many Jello-shots up the nose, I threw up all over Gladys Knight’s pet iguana.  And that’s how I got ejected from Kolob.

Maybe if you’re lucky after you die you’ll be baptized and then you can visit Kolob.  But I’d really urge you to try and visit during this life.

It really is a beautiful place.  Just watch out for the Thetans.